Untangling Love: An Attachment-Based Guide to Consensual Non-monogamy, 4-Part Series

Part 2: Transparency: Communication Essentials in Consensual Non-monogamy


“Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible–the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family.” - Virginia Satir 

Effective communication contributes to the foundation of any healthy relationship, and in the context of consensual non-monogamy, it becomes an essential part of successfully fostering trust, closeness, and intimacy. In this second segment of the ‘Untangling Love’ 4-part series, we explore the importance of open, honest, and respectful communication when navigating the intricacies of non-monogamous dynamics. From setting expectations to negotiating boundaries, I offer practical attachment-based insights for fostering deeper understanding and trust for all parties involved. 

No ‘Mind-Reading’: Communicating Expectations

Unsurprisingly, effective communication is one of the cornerstones of any successful relationship, and it becomes even more crucial in non-monogamous dynamics. Communicating expectations openly, honestly, and respectfully is key to fostering trust and understanding among all parties involved. In the context of a society that predominantly values monogamous relationships, one significant challenge arises from partners often assuming a default stance of monogamy without ever engaging in explicit and intentional communication about their relationship expectations. This lack of open dialogue can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts, particularly when partners hold differing interpretations of what monogamy entails. In my practice, I frequently observe couples discussing their expectations and boundaries only after one partner has crossed them, whether knowingly or inadvertently. Despite a difference in relationship structure, some of these themes are also prevalent within CNM relationships. 

What one partner perceives as obvious in a relationship dynamic may not align with the other's understanding. Therefore, it's imperative in any relationship structure, to refrain from making assumptions about your partner's thoughts, feelings, or behaviors. Clear and open communication is the cornerstone of healthy relationships, enabling partners to establish mutual understanding and respect for each other's needs and boundaries. By actively engaging in dialogue and continuously reaffirming shared expectations, couples can navigate the complexities of their relationship dynamics more effectively and foster a stronger connection built on trust and transparency.

Get Curious About You, First

To begin fostering healthy communication and understanding in your relationships, it's crucial to first identify your own needs, desires, and boundaries. Acknowledging these aspects is essential because we cannot effectively communicate what we do not recognize within ourselves. In relationships, needs differ from wants. Needs are fundamental requirements for emotional and relational well-being. When a need is met, you typically feel fulfilled, but when it goes unfulfilled, its absence becomes noticeable and may lead to dissatisfaction. 

On the other hand, desires encompass a wide range of preferences and wishes, from simple daily rituals like kissing goodnight to wanting to explore elaborate fantasies. It's important to approach the exploration of desires with mindfulness, recognizing that internalized shame may hinder you from fully acknowledging and embracing these desires. For instance, individuals who have experienced religious trauma might carry heightened shame surrounding sexuality and intimacy, making it challenging for them to openly and confidently express sexually-related desires. By becoming aware of and owning your needs, desires, and boundaries, you lay the foundation for authentic communication and mutual understanding in your relationships. 

Meaning Guides Communication

Whether you’ve always practiced non-monogamy or are just starting out, you get to determine what it means to you. Reflect on what non-monogamy means to you and what you hope to gain from it. Having clarity about this meaning and any values associated with it, will provide further insight into the types of expectations you may have from yourself and partners. For example, if being non-monogamous means freedom and autonomy to you, you may have specific expectations and boundaries around the types of activities you share and time commitments you make to your partners. Or, if non-monogamy primarily means emotional fulfillment to you, you may want and expect a certain level of emotional intimacy with your partners, that someone else may not.

Once you have admitted these to yourself, engage in open dialogue with your partners about your needs, desires, and boundaries, and inquire about theirs. Part of open communication, and more than relaying the content of your realizations, it’s also important to communicate how you feel about having these discussions. If these topics were a normal part of your upbringing or other relationships, you may have a larger window of tolerance for these discussions, while a partner who grew up in a strict family, may have more difficulty diving right in. As you are having these discussions, aim to be transparent about your comfort levels, fears, and insecurities, and encourage your partners to do the same. Utilize active listening skills to ensure that everyone feels heard, validated, and respected. Validate your partners' feelings and experiences, even if they differ from your own. Remember that empathy and compassion are essential components of effective communication.

To broach this open dialogue, you can begin the discussion by saying something like:

"I've noticed that growing up, we [did or didn’t] really talk about our needs, desires, and boundaries. Reflecting on this, I've realized I feel [insert your emotion: comfortable, scared, nervous, confused, embarrassed, overwhelmed, shy, content, etc.]. Because you and our relationship mean a lot to me, I think it’s important that we have these discussions; not only to prevent misunderstandings in the future but also to gain clarity on how we can best show up for each other.”

If you are finding this type of communication very difficult, it may be an indication that your relationship(s) could benefit from the support of a CNM-affirming therapist, like those at Colorado Therapy Collective. This is nothing to feel bad about, just a sign that you may benefit from additional support.

In the next part of this four part series, we will focus on the role of boundaries in consensually non-monogamous relationships.

Untangling Love: An Attachment-Based Guide to Consensual Non-monogamy, 4-Part Series

Part 1: Attachment Styles in Non-monogamous Relationships: Navigating Intimacy Through the Lens of Security

In the realm of relationships, one size certainly does not fit all. Although we live in a mononormative society, for many individuals, the traditional model of monogamy may not align with their values, desires, or needs. Enter non-monogamy, an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship structures, including open relationships, polyamory, and other forms of consensual non-monogamous (CNM) arrangements, sometimes also referred to as ethical non-monogamy (ENM). 

As a therapist specializing in attachment-based approaches, I’ve seen how navigating non-monogamous relationships can be both exciting and challenging. Among the various factors that can contribute to creating and maintaining healthy relationships, understanding attachment styles provides deeper insight into how we experience the complexities of intimate relationships.

In this 4-part series, I'll also review the intricacies of communicating expectations, negotiating boundaries, and preventing attachment injuries within non-monogamous relationships through an attachment-based lens. Let’s begin this first installment by diving into the foundational aspects of attachment styles within the realm of non-monogamous relationships. 

Understanding Attachment Styles

Attachment theory, a concept pioneered by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, suggests that the way we bond with primary caregivers in our early years shapes our attachment styles. These styles, such as secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful-avoidant, play a crucial role in how we form and maintain relationships throughout our lives. In non-monogamous relationships, understanding these attachment styles becomes particularly important as they can significantly impact how individuals navigate intimacy and connection in multiple relationships. Throughout years of research and as noted by Jessica Fern in her book, “Polysecure”, it’s been determined that attachment styles aren't fixed and can actually vary within different relationships. You might exhibit one attachment style with one partner and a different one with another, indicating areas of distress and security within those relationships.

Secure Strategies of Relating

Consider someone with a secure attachment style. They tend to feel at ease with intimacy, trust more readily, and communicate openly in their relationships. While they may still experience moments of anxiety or jealousy, these feelings typically don't threaten the bond they share with their partners. Unlike individuals with other attachment styles, who may have more extreme reactions to closeness and distance, securely attached individuals can manage emotional discomfort and vulnerability with greater flexibility.

Insecure Attachment Styles

On the flip side, individuals with anxious or avoidant attachment styles often struggle with intensified emotions like jealousy and shame, heightened insecurities, and fear of abandonment. These attachment styles tend to exhibit more rigid and reactive responses to actual or perceived threats to intimacy and the possibility of rejection by a partner. 

For instance, someone with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, which combines anxious and avoidant traits, might interpret their partner's unresponsiveness as a personal rejection. In response, they may lash out with yelling and criticism, hoping to reestablish closeness. However, paradoxically, they may then reject their partner's attempts to reconnect due to a lack of trust and a deep-seated fear of experiencing emotional pain triggered by their partner's actions. This internal conflict underscores the complexities inherent in fearful-avoidant attachment, where the individual oscillates between craving intimacy and pushing it away out of self-preservation. Similarly polarized, individuals with an anxious attachment style might resort to persistent pursuits to seek closeness and reassurance from their partner. However, these efforts may not effectively convey their need for closeness and reassurance. Whereas, partners with an avoidant attachment style may perceive the aforementioned behaviors as suffocating or controlling, prompting them to withdraw as a means of coping with attachment distress often to meet their own attachment needs for agency and independence.

Attachment Strategies are not Fixed

While striving for a secure attachment is commonly seen as the ultimate objective, it's crucial not to label other attachment styles as inherently flawed when compared to secure attachment. From the standpoint of attachment theory, all human behavior is viewed as serving a function, primarily aimed at meeting our needs in the most adaptive manner available to us. Each attachment style, whether secure, anxious, avoidant, or fearful-avoidant, represents a unique adaptation to early relational experiences and serves as a strategy for coping with intimacy,  connection, and distance. Therefore, instead of viewing non-secure attachment styles as deficiencies, it's more constructive to understand them as adaptive responses to past experiences, which can be worked through and transformed with awareness and effort. Understanding these dynamics can empower individuals in non-monogamous relationships to navigate challenges and foster healthier connections with their partners.

Approaching non-monogamous relationships from an attachment perspective can help foster security, trust, and intimacy among partners. Be sure to pay attention to how your attachment styles influence your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors within the relationship dynamics. Practice emotional attunement by tuning into your partners' needs and emotions with empathy and understanding. Offer reassurance and support when your partners are experiencing distress or insecurity, and encourage them to do the same for you. In the second part of this 4-part series on navigating CNM, we'll talk about crucial aspects of transparency and communicating expectations

Navigating PCS Transitions: Thriving in Military Relationships

For military couples, the term PCS (Permanent Change of Station) isn't just an acronym; it's a marker of a significant life transition. It's a phrase that carries with it a whirlwind of emotions - anticipation, excitement, but often, anxiety. Alongside the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, long-term illness, and job loss, moving is among the 5 most stressful life events. As a therapist specializing in couples counseling and also a military spouse myself, I recognize the unique challenges that PCS transitions pose to relationships. Let's delve into this topic, exploring the common stressors that military couples face during these times and how to navigate them successfully.

An empty moving truck

The military lifestyle is inherently nomadic, and with that comes a multitude of changes that can strain even the strongest of bonds. Whether you're a seasoned military couple or just beginning your journey together, the prospect of packing up your life, saying goodbye to loved ones, and starting afresh in a new location can be daunting. It's not just about the physical logistics of moving; it's about the emotional toll it takes on both partners. One of the most significant challenges of a PCS is the uncertainty that accompanies it. From the timing of orders to the destination itself, military couples often find themselves riddled with stress, making it difficult to plan and prepare effectively. As partners struggle to navigate the unknown together, it’s understandable that this uncertainty can breed anxiety and tension within the relationship.

Another common stressor during a PCS is the sheer volume of tasks that need to be completed before the move. From organizing movers, sorting through belongings, securing housing in the new location, military couples are often overwhelmed by the sheer magnitude of the to-do list. In the midst of this chaos, it's easy for communication to break down, leading to misunderstandings and conflict between partners. So, how can you and your partner navigate these challenges and emerge stronger on the other side? The key lies in communication, support, and resilience. Here are a few strategies to help you weather the storm together:

Open Communication 

This may seem straightforward, but it's not necessarily effortless. Consider the following recommendations on what this might look like, in this setting. Set aside time to sit down with your partner and openly talk about your fears, hopes, and expectations regarding the move. If you feel hesitant about doing this, remember that emotions are neither right nor wrong—they simply exist. Therefore, they don't need fixing. Although it's natural to want to avoid uncomfortable situations, such as discussing fears, hopes, and expectations, avoiding these discussions limits your readiness and the chance to collaborate effectively with your partner. Be truthful about your concerns and listen empathetically to your partner's viewpoint. By keeping communication lines open, you can tackle challenges together as a team.

Here are some useful ways to approach these discussions:

  • It's common for discussions like these to be sidelined by the urgent PCS to-do list, but they are just as, if not more, important than simply checking off tasks. Set aside a dedicated time and place specifically for discussing this topic. By doing so, you create space to acknowledge and validate the very real feelings and experiences that come with this transition. This approach allows each of you to feel less isolated in the process.

  • Minimize or eliminate outside distractions during the discussion. Giving each other undivided attention will contribute to the much-needed emotional reassurance during potentially challenging conversations.

  • Share your thoughts and feelings by saying things like, “When I think about this move, I notice I feel [scared, excited, hopeful, confused, overwhelmed, frustrated, etc.], and I need [to feel heard, clarity, comfort, reassurance, understanding, etc.].”

  • Listen with the intention of understanding, rather than immediately formulating a response. It's natural to have a reaction to what your partner shares, but be aware of how that reaction affects your response and whether it hinders conveying to your partner that you truly heard them. It can be beneficial to acknowledge their feelings by saying things like, "I hear you... I may not feel the same way at the moment, but I know what it feels like to feel overwhelmed. How can I support you?... I would feel scared in that situation, too... I'm not thrilled about this either... I'm also looking forward to creating a bucket list for our new area...etc."

Support Each Other 

Remember, you're in this together. Provide emotional support and reassurance to each other during moments of doubt or stress. Rely on each other for strength and encouragement as you navigate the highs and lows of the PCS process. It's common for spouses and service members to have different experiences of the PCS process, as they are exposed to different aspects and information of military life. As a spouse, it's normal to feel confused and uncertain about what questions to ask; sometimes you don’t even know what you don’t know. Therefore, it's crucial for the service member to be clear and forthcoming about timeline information regarding orders and aspects of the to-do list that only they can handle. By understanding each other's roles, you can better identify each other's needs during this transition and discuss how to support one another. For example: 

  • If the logistical aspects of the PCS process feel overwhelming, prioritizing tasks, assigning responsibilities, and deciding who will handle each task can reduce stress and prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. 

  • Schedule a weekly check-in to update each other on progress with the to-do list. This will help keep things on track and allow for adjustments if unexpected factors arise. 

  • If concerns arise about losing your social or familial support system, communicate with your spouse about what it would look like for them to provide you with temporary additional support while you establish a new support network. 

Create Rituals of Connection 

Amidst the chaos of packing and planning, it's important to prioritize your relationship, although admittedly easier said than done. One practical way to do this is by dedicating time each day to connect with your partner, whether it's sharing a meal, going for a walk, or simply having a conversation. These moments of connection can strengthen your bond and offer a much-needed break from the stresses of the move.

During the "hurry up and wait" phase of a PCS, these rituals of connection become even more crucial. They provide a sense of security and reliability when everything else in your life may feel out of control. Military couples often experience anxiety during transitions like this due to the many unknowns involved, and it's important to foster certainty in the relationship during such times. The frequency of the chosen rituals can vary, as long as both partners are in agreement as to when to expect them to happen. 

Regardless of the ritual you choose, here's a tip to consider as you connect with your partner during these moments: Emotionally Focused Therapy introduces an important acronym that can assist couples in incorporating connection into their rituals. A.R.E. stands for accessible, responsive, and engaged. Essentially, to feel securely attached to our partner, we want to know: "Are you there for me? If I reach out to you, will you respond? And if you do, will I matter? Will you see and understand where I am?" To ensure emotional intimacy during your rituals of connection be sure to convey these messages through your actions.

Seek Professional Help 

Unfortunately, during stressful times or crises, unresolved issues in a relationship often come to the surface, and adding the stress of a move to those can feel even more overwhelming. If you find yourselves struggling to cope with the challenges of a PCS, don't hesitate to seek support from a couples therapist. Whether it's to address lingering hurts that are affecting your daily interactions or to have a safe space to navigate and find compromises on PCS-related disagreements, a trained professional can provide you with the tools and strategies necessary to navigate this transition successfully and emerge with a stronger, more resilient relationship.

In conclusion, navigating a PCS as a military couple is no easy feat, but it's not impossible either. By prioritizing communication, support, and resilience, you and your partner can overcome the challenges of this transition and emerge stronger than ever before. Remember, you're not alone in this journey - reach out for help when you need it, whether connecting with loved ones, seeking professional help, and/or using resources like Military One Source and your command Ombudsman. Lastly, remember to lean on each other for support; together, you can thrive in the face of change and build a relationship that can withstand any challenge that comes your way. 

We know military couples.

At Colorado Therapy Collective, our therapists believe in providing support at any stage of a move. We aim to help couples understand what drives their conflict and disconnect, and find their way back to each other as they navigate various life stressors. We have therapists with specific expertise in working with military couples. To speak to one of our therapists for more information, you can contact us at 720-204-8589 or submit a form here. We also offer a complimentary 20-minute consultation with one of our therapists so you can make sure our services fit your needs. Click here to schedule a consultation or initial session today!

Do’s and Don’ts of Successful Affair Recovery

At Colorado Therapy Collective, we have worked with many, many couples recovering from infidelity, affairs, and other attachment injuries. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this work; we approach each relationship with curiosity and respect for its unique strengths, challenges and history. However, after working with so many couples, we have seen some elements that contribute to successful repair and the ability to create a stronger, more resilient relationship going forward, and some things that consistently hinder the ability to repair and move forward. 

Do’s and Don’ts

A non-exhaustive list of what we have seen help and hurt affair recovery (not all of these will apply to you and your relationship, so use discernment in considering whether they fit your particular circumstances).

Don’t: Trickling disclosure. 

Sometimes the partner who violated relationship boundaries will “trickle” out information about the affair, for example first saying, “It only happened once!” only later to disclose that the affair had been ongoing over a longer period of time. Or, “It was never physical,” only to later disclose that the affair had included sex. This is one of the things that we have seen significantly damage the process of rebuilding trust, a primary goal of affair recovery. Your partner needs to know that they can count on you to be truthful even when it is very uncomfortable. 

Do: Approach disclosure thoughtfully, transparently, and with the support of a therapy professional.

It is natural to worry about how disclosure will impact your partner, and to feel an urge to protect them (and you) from the pain of the full truth. A therapist experienced in working with affair recovery can help you and your partner navigate this process by providing a supported space for you to share information about the affair, and help you sort through what details are helpful and what might hurt your ability to recover. 

Don’t: Ask questions you don’t want the answer to

You won’t be able to un-see certain images or un-know the answers to certain questions, so getting support in discerning what is actually necessary for healing is helpful. However, it is best for this process to be led by the injured partner - the partner who had the affair should not be making unilateral decisions about what their partner needs to know. 

Do: See individual therapists in addition to a couples therapist

Whether you had an affair or discovered an affair, you have a lot to unpack. We have found that couples who each have their own supported spaces to explore their commitment to the relationship, their reasons for violating agreements, and the impact of the affair, are able to get the most out of the couples therapy space. 

Don’t: Assume that that Reddit user on r/infidelity’s experience is applicable to your own.

While it is completely normal to want to seek out community, and to hope to find answers from people on the internet who have experienced something similar, we advise folks to exercise caution in going down these internet rabbit holes. Often we see that people end up more distressed, more fearful, and less able to tune in to their own experience when message boards are used as a coping mechanism. Instead, practice noticing, sitting with, and nurturing yourself through the emotions that might compel you to google your 347th variation of “how to know if he’ll cheat again.”

Do: Destigmatize staying together after infidelity

Not every couple chooses to stay together after infidelity, and for many people this is the right choice for them. However, as a society we can see many examples of people being judged or criticized for choosing to stay with a partner who has cheated. This is often based in reductive thinking about relationships, or people projecting their own fears. The reality is that whether or not you choose to work on a relationship after infidelity is entirely up to you, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this. 

Help is Available

For further support navigating the aftermath of an affair or infidelity, reach out for a complimentary consultation to connect you with a Colorado Therapy Collective therapist who can help you navigate this difficult experience individually or as a couple. You deserve the support of a compassionate, experienced professional who works with folks in Colorado.